“Certified Fresh Review”

I walked in the Wehrenberg 5-Star Lounge cause I’m a 5-Star bitch eating 5-Star meals. My date took me to see Guardians Of The Galaxy, which is the type of movie I normally don’t look for. I had my legs propped on the heated seats from the get-go, & was living savagely for those two exquisite hours.

I yelled “Fuck Me Baby!” real loud like I had Tourette’s before the movie started. Luckily, I was sunk so deep in my chair that I couldn’t see anyone’s reaction. Not that I cared. Our bellies were so hungry for food we swung open the menu book and the lights nearly blinded me. Then I refocused, and shifted my hungry eyes back on the menu. The chicken strip basket sounded fye so I made sure not to pass it up. I tapped the blue button and out came a lady to take our order.

The movie had started and my belly was still empty as shit so I couldn’t fully grasp or enjoy what was in front of me. Finally the lady came back out and I could’ve sworn that tray of food was ours but NOPE. It was somebody elses’ s… I said to myself “Damn, I didn’t know this was an Applebee’s”. The lady then gave us our drinks and walked back out of the theatre. I was shocked. Just our drinks? When I order at the concession stand they give me erreything at the same damn time. Again, this ain’t no Applebee’s.

The movie kept shooting along in a visually exciting way but I still wanted my fucking food jam-packed in my stomach. And just when I thought I was about to pass out from starvation, the lady arrived with our baskets. She dropped it on my slide-out tray and I pulled it right to my chest. I tried to act humble about the food at first, but it wasn’t like the ghetto couple next to us were exactly holding back on their munching, slurping, belching, food orgy. So what the fuck. I went in on them fries and the chicken too. Dipped it all in ranch and ketchup and feasted like it was Thanksgiving in the house. Needless to say, the food was hot & off the chain. I munched away as the movie-going experience seemed to tap into every one of my senses.

As far as the movie goes, it was an unexpected blast. Suprisingly fresh and original, it was definitely something I hadn’t seen before. Guardians Of The Galaxy was interesting and clever and I look forward to the sequel. The food was the best thing about my time in the movie tho.